It’s the day I met my husband for our first date 11 years ago.
It’s the day the world remembers my lost two pregnancies. Two hopes that never came to be.
It’s the day – two years ago – I got a sign from God. When I was a week pregnant, I prayed to God to give me a sign that this time would be different because my heart couldn’t handle another loss. A balloon then floated over traffic and landed in front of my car. It was a teddy bear holding a sign that said “it’s a boy.” My son is now 15 months old and I cant help but feel grateful to have been given that sign.
And tomorrow marks one full year since I lost my nana. I miss her hard and often. So many times I go to call her or think “I should bring this to nana, she’d love it” and then I stop in my tracks because she’s gone. She loved my son during the brief moments she had with him. I cherish that memory. I can hear her voice in my head like I heard it yesterday. I can see the planes of her face as clear as day. Her crystal blue eyes. How she smiled and thrummed her fingers on the kitchen table ever so lightly when she was content. Her kitchen smelled of newspapers, coffee, and home.
I remember holding her hand in the days before she passed and how soft they felt. I hated seeing a woman so strong and fierce rendered so feeble. I wonder if she would think I am a good mother. I hope she would.
While I try my hardest not to be, I find that I am angry. My nana helped raise my brothers and I while my mom worked. She was our second mother. She was the person I came home to after school, who cooked me dinner, did homework with, taught me life lessons, kissed our scrapes and looked at us with unending love in her eyes. I am mad about that because my own mom accepted a job in MEXICO and while I never expected my mom to retire to take care of my son, I also never expected her to uproot her life away from him.
I am hurt because my son wont have this relationship with his nana. It wont be the same, it can’t be the same if she’s away. I am sad about that because of how important my nana was to me in my life. And if I’m honest, I am selfishly sad, too. I will miss my mom. I will miss having her nearby, having a little help when my son is sick, having her be a part of the boring day-to-day life we live because life happens in those everyday moments. He wont feel the love of two mother figures in the same way I knew it. Plus, I worry about her safety because Mexico City isn’t know for being particularly safe.
Tomorrow will be a tangled mess of emotions as I remember the balloon and meeting my husband and seeing my beautiful nana take her last breath and asking her to take care of my two lost babies in heaven.