Perhaps it’s just me because I’m neurotic and anxiety prone, but for all the glory that is motherhood, it’s also a constant state of pucker factor.
Is he eating the right foods? Is his poop normal? Is his cold gonna get better soon? Is he hitting his milestones? Is he happy? Am I fucking him up and will he need therapy for life because of the decisions I’making? And on and on.
My son turned 15 months (omg what!) on Friday and he’s only taken a few steps here and a few steps there. He’s not walking fully. He walks holding the wall, a push toy, your hand, the coffee table, but has only taken at most three independent steps at a time. And I’m worried. He’s hit every other milestone early or right on time except this one. When we took him to his 15 month well check, the doctor said if he’s not walking in a month to come back. Cue panic.
Why?! What’s wrong? A flood of worry washed over me. I shouldn’t worry I tell myself. He is advanced for his age when it comes to speech; he says almost 50 words – and he’s not just repeating things but he says them with intent and understands what it means, often pointing and the item on a book that he’s seen in real life. He knows where his head, nose, tongue, eyes, teeth, belly button and toes are. He knows the noises various animals make and he has started saying simple sentences. Yet despite trying to hone in on the good, I am super worried about the walking milestone.
His pediatrician asked us about his left foot (it turns in a little) which was like lighting a match to my kerosine of mommy worry. The Doctor thinks it’s “probably normal” and something he’ll outgrow but wants us to see a specialist for an evaluation of his foot. On the referral paper, he wrote “club foot” and let me tell you, fucking googling that made my stress level go haywire. Those images online aren’t at all what his foot looks like so I’m very confused. I’m also upset for not noticing and thinking it’s perhaps why he’s walking late. Sometimes when he walks holding your hand or a push toy, his foot turns in and then his knee a little and then he gets wobbly.
I want the best for my son and I feel terrible that I didn’t mention his foot to the doctor sooner. I didn’t think it was anything – and trust me I worry about everything. So now I’m second guessing my ability to parent and feel like utter shit for not getting my son’s foot looked at sooner. I feel like the worst mother. How did I miss this?!
After calling 20 offices, I got an appointment with a pediatric orthopedist next week. Thursday better hurry the hell up before I give myself a google-induced ulcer.